“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. My whole life I've struggled with a belief in a higher power. I was raised Christian and one of my only good memories I have of my mother is her praying with me when I was just 2 or 3 years old. I went to Sunday school for a while, did the church thing for a couple years. My family doesn't go to church but they still say they are Christians, which I personally don't have a problem with. I believe faith is a personal journey, one you chose for yourself. When I was 14, I made the decision to join the Catholic church. For about 2 years, I was HIGHLY involved in the church. Then I went through a lot of trials and tribulations and stopped going. When I was 18, I started going to college. I joined a faith organization there, as this is where my faith, once again, started to falter. I felt like I was grabbing at straws trying to find someone to answer my questions, make me feel a part of the organization. Instead I was told to "just believe" and that I shouldn't have any questions...eventually my "friends" who I had followed, trying to get them to help me believe in Jesus faded away... essentially "giving up" on me. So I "gave up" on religion. The next few years of my young life were full of just typical college behavior. If I wanted to do anything, I did it. I ended up totaling my car at some point which really shook me up. I dated several "bad" men who ended up lowering my self-esteem. I was lost. My family life had faded away, I had taught myself to only believe in myself because other people will ALWAYS run away and hurt you. About a year and a half ago, I met the man that is now my fiance. Like me, he has had a similar situation and is struggling in his life. We both were atheists, fed up on the concept of religion and the people who were involved in it. On a long trip home, I "jokingly" prayed that god would move the clouds so it wouldn't be so hot in our un-airconditioned car. ...The clouds moved and the temperature dropped. This kind of shook things up for me. I started comparing and contrasting religious books with atheist books. As I get older, I'm learning that I've learned this ability to push people away. Like I said before, I really only trust myself, as everyone has hurt me...and I know several people who have been in similar situations. But this is why I still can't be a Christian. I know that people will hurt you, people will run away but "Jesus" will still be there. I've tried all my life to believe...but I can't. And I feel like because of this, I'm doing wrong.