It's been a while since I've posted. I have graduated college but I still haven't been hired as a teacher. I'm still not married, but still very much in love with Seth. I suppose today's post will be about my internal debate about what I will chose to be over the next year. I have recently acquired a childcare assistant job here in Springfield.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. My whole life I've struggled with a belief in a higher power. I was raised Christian and one of my only good memories I have of my mother is her praying with me when I was just 2 or 3 years old. I went to Sunday school for a while, did the church thing for a couple years. My family doesn't go to church but they still say they are Christians, which I personally don't have a problem with. I believe faith is a personal journey, one you chose for yourself. When I was 14, I made the decision to join the Catholic church. For about 2 years, I was HIGHLY involved in the church. Then I went through a lot of trials and tribulations and stopped going. When I was 18, I started going to college. I joined a faith organization there, as this is where my faith, once again, started to falter. I felt like I was grabbing at straws trying to find someone to answer my questions, make me feel a part of the organization. Instead I was told to "just believe" and that I shouldn't have any questions...eventually my "friends" who I had followed, trying to get them to help me believe in Jesus faded away... essentially "giving up" on me. So I "gave up" on religion. The next few years of my young life were full of just typical college behavior. If I wanted to do anything, I did it. I ended up totaling my car at some point which really shook me up. I dated several "bad" men who ended up lowering my self-esteem. I was lost. My family life had faded away, I had taught myself to only believe in myself because other people will ALWAYS run away and hurt you. About a year and a half ago, I met the man that is now my fiance. Like me, he has had a similar situation and is struggling in his life. We both were atheists, fed up on the concept of religion and the people who were involved in it. On a long trip home, I "jokingly" prayed that god would move the clouds so it wouldn't be so hot in our un-airconditioned car. ...The clouds moved and the temperature dropped. This kind of shook things up for me. I started comparing and contrasting religious books with atheist books. As I get older, I'm learning that I've learned this ability to push people away. Like I said before, I really only trust myself, as everyone has hurt me...and I know several people who have been in similar situations. But this is why I still can't be a Christian. I know that people will hurt you, people will run away but "Jesus" will still be there. I've tried all my life to believe...but I can't. And I feel like because of this, I'm doing wrong.

As a teacher...

Things I will do as a teacher:

*ART IN THE CLASSROOM: I will post several fine art pictures and play different types of music for the students. I will have an 'art corner' where students will be encouraged to post their own artwork. Every child is an artist, and with a loss of art in schools, this disappoints me. We will sing songs, act, and create physical art pieces to reinforce learning.

*BULLY-FREE ZONE: I know that bullying happens, both with boys and girls. I will NOT tolerate bullying. Within the first week of school, we (as a class) will create a "anti-bullying" document, which will both state what we will not do with each other and how to STOP bullying if you see it happen. I will remind my students that I cannot catch or see every sign of bullying and it is their job too to prevent it.

* POSITIVE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT FOR ALL STUDENTS: Kids learn at different levels. Some kids take a while to grasp a subject while others understand it and move on. I plan on working one-on-one with every student at some time during the day. The ones who need help will get it, but also the students who are ahead will also receive one-on-one attention. The students will be grouped in shifting groups that change frequently.

The Stakes are High, the Water is Rough, but this Love is OURS.

I'm ready to graduate...I'm ready to quit my job and be able to have full control of my life.

School is getting old. It's April now...a month and a half left of classes...which for me, is now only on Wednesday. I have an internship in a first grade classroom on Tuesday and Thursday (all day) and I work 9-5 on Monday and Friday and 6:30 to 3 on Saturday and Sunday. I'm getting sick of doing assignments at work. I've never enjoyed being told what to do and it's starting to grain on me.

My internship is getting a little bit better. I'm starting to figure the kids out, how they learn and stuff like that. My teacher said she's going to start giving me control of the classroom this week so I'm looking forward to that. I still leave the school and the end of the day emotionally drained but that's getting better too.

My job is getting frustrating. I have a group of school-agers, age 5 to 13, and I try and find fun age-appropriate activities for them to do. I got a letter from one of the supervisors that the things I'm planning are too intensive. She suggested that I do flour sifting or stirring together water and food coloring for my activities. SOME OF MY KIDS ARE ALMOST 13.

Basically just decided I'm going to buy their activity things out of my own pocket from now on. I don't think that the kids have to suffer because I can't get the items I need for them. Still made me mad though...I love those kids and they are SMART. They don't deserve to have to do stuff for babies. They aren't babies.

We also had a scary event yesterday...an intruder came to the front door. By the time I got the kids safe, we had to talk about what was going on because they were freaking out. That was interesting...lol.

I'm really going to miss the kids when I leave, but I am NOT going to miss the supervisors.

Seth and I are doing the same...no news with us. He still says "no babies" though...:P Maybe someday. Haha.

March 14th

Seth made a blog!

http://MutatedPixels.blogspot.com

My fish got itself stuck in the bubbler today. And he's getting old. I'm afraid he's going to die.

I took my hamster Hamstar's wheel out of his cage and he's been non-stop sleeping since. I thought he wouldn't notice it being gone but I guess he did.

I went on the internet a lot today and then I went to school. Nothing exciting. Here are pictures of my life:



ME



Hamstar asleep on his wheel.




Me and Sethers

March 13th

Starting this blog thing again. Haha. Hopefully this time it doesn't wind me up in a bad position again...

Started an internship today at [undisclosed elementary school]. It's a Title One school, meaning that at least for my school, 95% of the students receive a free or reduced lunch. The poverty level is extreme...the teachers are something I've never experienced and the principal is in your face honest. Saw a fist fight today between two first graders, a boy and a girl.

I grew up in middle-upper class St. Charles...this is a whole new page for me. We'll see how it pans out.

I completed my first 150 collection of Pokemon cards a few days ago. I was pretty excited...then me and Seth went to a video game store here in town where this guy was like asking me all about these details and how much money my cards were worth. I wanted to be like "B-----, I don't know! I do this for fun!" But I knew that he just wanted to help so I let him go on.

Work is...work. Another one of the girls I like is leaving, which makes me kinda sad. I'm kinda feeling more and more isolated with the staff members. Granted, I love my job, I love working with the kids. But I just feel like sometimes that I talk too much, and I'm kinda a freak show, so I just feel awkward after the conversation ends.

Been learning about how I take things too personally and how I really rely on my sense of emotion to pull me to and from events, so that probably doesn't help. But, I'm a people pleaser, and I am literally terrified of conflict, so the combination of the two is not so good.

Another day I guess.